Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
Is it penis luge time yet?
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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