not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
