Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Randomize
