sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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