I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
