ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
