She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
