aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
