halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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