I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
