you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Randomize