I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
