I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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