we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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