i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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