I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Randomize
