hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
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