new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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