pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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