she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
