fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
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