Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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