Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
