omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
