Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
