I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Randomize
