I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
