You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Randomize