Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
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