If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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