Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Randomize
