Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I'm at about main and main street
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I deserve this hangover.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
