I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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