The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I will be naked everywhere
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize