we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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