I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize