dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Acid is not a monday night drug
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Randomize
