Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize
