96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
