Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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