she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Randomize
