Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Randomize
