i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
She looked like Sean Connery with cleft lip. So to answer your question, yes I put it in her butt.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
