quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Randomize
