I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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