If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Is her dick bigger than yours?
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
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