This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
it's great music for shaving your balls
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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