Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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