You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
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