So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
