All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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