My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Randomize
