have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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