Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
