I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
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