So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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