Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
this beer tastes like vomit already
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
