nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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