alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
I'm just crazy horny about you
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
