I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I have fence marks all over my body
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
