You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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