I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
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